we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Pants are for mortals
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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