in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
