I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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