yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
