Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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