I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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