There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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