Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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