dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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