i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
