I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
