Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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