last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
