Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
