I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
