We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
