her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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