I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
