i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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