We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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