I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
