just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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