can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
