Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
