I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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