oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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