I think i peed on brittanys purse
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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