I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
