you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
