i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
