you guys were way drunker than both of me
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize