I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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