Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
soo... how was my night?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize