oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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