Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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