someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
