I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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