i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Welp...herpes.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
