I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
