I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
