i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
