Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
