Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
