I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
