I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
