I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize