I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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