Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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