no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
