3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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