Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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