I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
