How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I wish life had little blips of pornography
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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