Well apparently he's into motor boating.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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