fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
