sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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