Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize