Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
